Different Views About Money

What happens when you and your partner have different views about finances? (Hint: you probably have at least a few!)

Do you get the sense that either of you will suddenly and completely alter the way you feel about money matters because you’re so in love with each other? Just like the way a Dodgers fan will suddenly and completely become a Giants fan because their spouse is from San Francisco?

Yeah, me neither. Some things run too deep.

Most of us “learn” early in life that our own thinking about money is both correct and – here’s the kicker – moral. This creates huge problems for so many couples because we think about money in so many different ways.

For example, our culture urges us to save. Save for a rainy day. Save for college. Invest for retirement. Be responsible and do the banks’ bidding to have great credit.

But our culture also urges us to spend. We call ourselves “consumers.” Advertisements implore us to buy things we do not need. Magazines and influencers tell us what we “must-have” (and leave us feeling inadequate if we cannot afford it). The closest things we have to town squares are shopping malls.

In a world that gives us conflicting messages about our finances, where children get piggy banks and then get spoiled, is it possible to see each other’s point of view regarding money, even if you do not ultimately agree? These are hard conversations because they involve judgment and power, but you must have them if you want to address the problem.

Try to approach these conversations with kindness towards each other. Find a moment or a place where you have found you can both speak openly. Agree that if things get too heated too quickly, you will table the conversation and try again later. If that is too fraught, consider having it with a professional who will help you decide together how to move forward.

It is possible that the differences are too great. You may decide that your partner does in fact have a character flaw. Can you live with this flaw? Can you protect your own finances even while your partner may struggle? Will that be okay with both of you?

You probably do share goals. You might even find that you appreciate certain aspects of your partner’s thinking. And you may discover ways to notice and ameliorate the inevitable effects that your differences will have on each other. Not all love conquers all problems, but sometimes it’s enough to get you through.