How to Pick a Therapist

Many people who might benefit from counseling are often reluctant to contact someone because they do not want to pay someone to tell them what’s wrong with them.

I couldn’t agree more.

Every single one of us can find plenty of things that are “wrong” with us according to some expert or some social expectation. While some people find genuine comfort in a diagnosis that confirms that what they are going through is “real” or even “normal,” I think working towards a diagnosis does very little in terms of actually helping someone to face the problems that caused them to seek counseling in the first place.

Now that I’ve made my little speech, here are a few things to look for in the initial phone calls and meetings:

The most important thing is to find someone who you believe is genuinely interested in helping you. The good news is that this should not be a problem. The vast majority of therapists get into this field precisely because helping people is important to us. If you do not get the sense that your therapist is genuinely interested in helping you, don’t move forward.

Second, in your initial call or “consultation,” listen for signs that a therapist is curious about your experience, as opposed to trying to fit you into a pre-existing box or jumping quickly to a diagnosis and treatment.  Your therapist should recognize that no set of problems and circumstances interacts with every person in exactly the same way. If you really think about it, the idea that a person who is not you could possibly be an expert in YOUR life doesn’t make much sense.

Third, give it a little bit of time but also trust your instincts. As with any working relationship, it may take a few meetings to find a rhythm or rapport. If something feels off after a few meetings, bring it up. A good therapist will want to hear this, and you can decide together whether or not to continue. If you get pushback, it’s probably best to end the professional relationship.

Do expect to work. Psychotherapy is not like going to the doctor, where hopefully you are “cured,” sometimes by just taking a pill or lying down for surgery. Of course you will have to provide some basic information during the meetings, but you should also expect to be asked to think and to reflect in a way that gives your mind a workout.

Most importantly, you should feel that the therapist has created (or will create if you haven’t started yet) an atmosphere where your honest reflections will be accepted with kindness and interest, and never shame. It is often this last part where the magic happens.