Struggling with Perfectionism

We celebrate perfect – in sports, like gymnastics and baseball – but also in countless other aspects of our lives. Pundits breathlessly hail a “perfect” speech and Instagram lights up at a meal “perfectly” prepared. The list goes on. We are a perfection-loving society. It can feel really good to do something perfectly.

But the pursuit of perfection has another side to it – namely, that feeling that you have when you’re not perfect. And because most of us are not perfect most of the time, remaining perfect is hard work.

If that’s you, no wonder you may be feeling miserable: while we celebrate “perfection,” we are also quick to jump on mistakes. In the same way that it is so much easier to tear something down than it is to build it up, it is much easier to notice flaws than it is to appreciate the effort and skill that goes into any creation, perfect or not.

If you are interested in changing your relationship with perfectionism, I have a few questions and thought experiments that should get you started in considering your next steps.

First, what is perfectionism, to you? When I think about what we commonly consider to be “perfectionism,” I imagine a wide range of possible definitions, for example: a strong dedication to doing the best possible work in a particular craft; feeling intense anxiety because everything you do will harshly scrutinized and judged by others; a sense of knowing what good work is, and that you could always do just a little bit better. But that’s me. When you think about perfectionism as it applies to your life, how would you define it?

Next, what if you think about perfectionism as something – or better yet, someone – you live with, rather than who you are? If you have lived with perfectionism your whole life, it does not seem reasonable to expect that such an old acquaintance will go easily into the night; nor do I think that the total extinction of perfectionism should necessarily be your goal. Is it possible that Perfectionism – let’s go ahead and give him a capital P for a proper name – has been beneficial to you in some ways?

More importantly, how would you describe the voices of perfectionism? Who are these voices and what supports them? We already mentioned the voices of Perfectionism we are all exposed to when we participate in society. Is perfectionism’s voice also (I am using the metaphor of a voice but you may prefer a different one) that of an unreasonably demanding parent or teacher or authority figure? Perhaps it is the voice of a friend, or partner, or a childhood bully. The old “know your enemies” adage applies: the better you know the problem, the more effectively you will be able to confront it.

This is not easy, but once you start the process of scrutinizing perfectionism – turning the tables, you might say – the paths forward may very well begin to reveal themselves.