Help! I Need Tools

This is one of the most frequent requests I receive, and I fear that I often disappoint people with my answer, which is this: it is likely to be no more helpful for me to suggest tools to manage anxiety than it would be for you to research it yourself. Read some articles and watch some videos, and see what works for you.

I know that is not a satisfying answer, so please let me explain:

Unfortunately the self-help industry has trained us to believe that the problems of life all have “solutions” if we just “work on ourselves.” But what would happen if I, a trained professional and supposed “expert,” were to recommend some tools and coping mechanisms that didn’t work for you? I suspect it would only make the anxiety seem worse, with a feeling of, “I’m not even capable of helping myself, or maybe I’m beyond help.”

You might feel bad, but you’d be in good company: “tools” do not work for everyone! Many do not find meditation, mindfulness practices, positive self-talk or any other kind of self-help very helpful at all. Self-help is an industry. It is designed to separate you from your money. Self help gurus tell you their methods should work (and thus implying that it’s your fault they do not) is far more profitable than saying, “Buy this book. There is a chance it will work for you.”

Instead, if you want “tools,” the best place to look is at your own life and experience. Chances are that you already have everything you need. Finding a strategy to confront stress and anxiety is hard to do – most of us could use some outside help to look inside – but here are a few questions that may help with a framework to get started:

Which of your skills, and which aspects of your personality, have you employed to manage difficult situations in the past?

What was it about the specific actions that you took that caused the anxiety to remain at a reasonable level?

What lessons did you take from these experiences that may be applicable to the present circumstances?

Take some time to think through these answers. (I always find that writing down the answers to difficult questions helps me clarify my thinking; you may find it helpful as well.)

Next: when you think about the last time anxiety was manageable, what was different from what is happening now?

Finally, now that you have looked critically at your current circumstances, are you able to identify any sources of anxiety? If so, can you address or resolve them?

These questions are important because so much of what we experience as anxiety is connected to what is happening around us. All of the self help in the world won’t help much in a horrible situation (pandemics certainly qualify as horrible). Eliminating the sources of anxiety – or reducing their influence – is far and away the most effective way to feel better.