Comparison is an Insidious Problem

Say you just ended a long-term relationship that you realized was not right for you. You know it wasn’t right for you, but worry it was a mistake anyway. You like being single and you have a job you like. If that’s all great, then great! But if it’s great on paper but you feel terrible, it may be Comparison that is causing an anxiety explosion. Perhaps there is family pressure to find a partner and buy a house and start a family. Perhaps someone is telling you that you are messing up your life, even though you have thought it through and you’re not sure you want the things that others seem to want for you. It might feel like you are doing something wrong if you don’t “get with the program.”

This should be an easy one to address, right? It goes something like this: Just stop comparing yourself to others. There is no point. There is nothing to be gained. You are your own person. Your priorities are your own, based on your own unique values, your own unique needs, and your own unique circumstances. You should not let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do. You should not let anyone tell who you should or shouldn’t be. You are the captain of your own ship. Set aside all the noise and focus on yourself. Once you are able to do these things, you won’t have to worry about any of that other stuff.

Start by ignoring the TV networks, the entire sections of bookstores, the sections of newspapers, the magazines, the gurus, your mail, and the advertisements dedicated to “helping” you “improve” your personal finances.

Ignore your own friends, who despite youthful pledges to eternal nonconformity turn out to lead very ordinary lives that they are quite happy with, at least according to their Instagram feeds.

Also ignore the people you meet at parties who ask you what you “do,” or where you live, or what kind of car you drive, or where you went to school, as if they were not searching for categories to place you in.

While you’re at it, also ignore the billboards asking you if your body is “beach ready,” as well as the perfect bodies on the magazine covers at the grocery store, the perfect hair on TV, and the perfect weddings in the movies.

And don’t forget to ignore your family members who you love and who are telling you – sorry, I mean giving you advice – about everything you need to do (because you’re an adult and that’s what adults do), and by when (because that’s when adults do it), and telling how successful all of their friends’ children are (as opposed to you).

Ahem. Just ignore it all, right? Easy! Just do nothing less than tune out everything you hear around you, even the stuff which you even partially agree with.

Ha. No, you are not messing up your life. Like all of us, you have bumped into a supervillain named Comparison. Comparison often works by presenting us with a terrible choice: “get with the program” – doing all those things that other people do – and he will leave you alone. Choose your own path, and Comparison will heckle you for the rest of your life. Comparison never tells you that “getting with the program” also comes with a cost – but you seem to have figured this out. Also, Comparison is lying to you. He will never leave you, or any of us, alone.

We cannot kill or defeat Comparison. Instead, find others who share your views and values. There are many. Talk to each other, listen to each other, and support each other. Comparison will always try to interrupt, but you may find that together, your voices will drown him out.